Managing anger

What is anger?

Anger is a strong emotion many of us experience. Anger is usually characterised by feelings of frustration, hostility, agitation, or aggression. We may feel angry in response to a perceived threat or injustice, an unfair situation, or where we feel wronged by someone or something.

Anger can range from mild, such as annoyance, to intense, such as rage. You may notice physical changes when you feel angry, such as increased heart rate and elevated blood pressure.

Anger is a basic human emotion, and feeling angry is OK. Sometimes, anger can serve useful purposes, such as motivating you to solve a problem or helping you achieve your goals. The challenge lies not in the emotion itself but in how we handle it.

How we respond to and express our anger can cause problems. Anger can be expressed verbally or physically, and it can be directed at ourselves or others. Expressing anger in an abusive, violent or negative way is never acceptable. No matter how intense your anger or frustration might be, there is never any excuse for threatening, abusive, and violent behaviour.

This is why having anger control and developing anger management skills is important. Rather than attempting to suppress anger, we need to learn healthy ways to manage the anger and process these feelings without causing harm to anyone else. Dealing with anger in a healthy, constructive way is an essential life skill that benefits our relationships and wellbeing.

Do I have anger issues?

Anger can be a healthy emotion when it is expressed appropriately and in proportion to the situation. Whereas chronic or intense anger can lead to negative consequences for both the person experiencing it and those around them.

If you are wondering whether you are having trouble managing your anger, ask yourself these questions:

• Do I sometimes have difficulty controlling my temper?
• Am I finding it difficult to stay calm in challenging or frustrating situations?
• Am I having anger outbursts?
• Am I lashing out at others in response to minor irritations?
• Am I frequently getting into arguments?
• Have I ever become angry and regretted it later?
• Has my anger caused problems in my relationships or at work?
• Have I threatened violence against a person or property?
• Have I ever lost control of my anger to the point where I became violent or abusive?
• Has anyone ever commented on my anger?
• Am I having difficulty calming down after becoming angry?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the questions, you may need to work on your anger control. Read on to recognise some anger warning signs and get some initial ideas on how to manage anger.

If you want to speak to a counsellor, call MensLine Australia on 1300 78 99 78.

Anger warning signs

If you are having anger issues and want to control your anger, you first need to recognise the warning signs that you are getting angry. Anger warning signs (or anger symptoms) can vary from person to person, but there are some common physical and emotional signs. Understanding the warning signs is an important step towards learning how to control anger.

Physical anger warning signs

The physical warning signs of anger can include:

• Muscle tightening, especially around the jaw, shoulders, and arms
• A sensation of building pressure in the head
• Sensations of heat and flushing in the face
• Increased heart rate or blood pressure
• Rapid breathing
• Sweating
• Shaking or trembling
• Clenched jaw or fists
• The urge to yell or physically lash out.

Emotional anger warning signs

Emotional warning signs can be harder to recognise than physical signs, but it’s important to be aware of them and take steps to control your anger before it escalates. Anger warning signs in our emotions and thoughts can include:

• Losing your patience
• Being irritated or on edge
• Feeling humiliated
• Feeling resentful
• Feeling frustrated
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Difficulty controlling emotions or staying calm
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions.

Once you recognise that you are getting angry, you can do something to defuse the situation before it gets out of control. There are techniques you can try to manage your anger.

How to control your anger – Anger management techniques

Once you recognise your anger warning signs, you can take steps to control your anger before it escalates.

There are several anger management tips that can help you control it in a healthy way. Some of these strategies include:

Count to 10

When you start to feel angry, pause and think about what is happening so you do not act on impulse. Take a moment to count to 10. This will give you a chance to calm down and think about how you want to respond.

Time out

Stepping away from a situation when you start to feel angry gives you space to think clearly. If things start to get heated, try saying something to the other person like: “I think I need to take a break for a bit. I’ll come back, and we can sort this out in half an hour.”

Controlled breathing

Slowing and deepening your breath can help reduce the anger. Try taking five long, slow breaths. Focus on relaxing the muscles in your arms and face.

Talk yourself down, not up

Self-talk can influence your anger during an exchange.

Saying things to yourself like, “This person is an idiot!” or “How dare this person talk to me like that?” is likely to increase your feelings of anger.

Instead, try calming self-statements such as:

• “Cool it. I can handle this.”
• “No point flying off the handle. Let’s just take a few breaths.”
• “I’m not going to let this get to me.”
• “Relax…”

Reframe the situation

Try to look at the situation from a different perspective. By shifting your perspective, you may be able to see the situation in a more positive light, identify new solutions, or better understand the other person’s point of view.

Distract yourself

If you are on your own and angry, try doing something to stop your anger from escalating. For example, you can play music, call a friend, listen to a podcast, go for a walk, or clean the house. Shifting your focus to something else can help reduce your feelings of anger.

How can I stop getting angry so easily?

While the anger management strategies listed above can help you calm down in a crisis, they don’t address the causes of excessive or uncontrolled anger. The best time to work out some strategies for managing your anger is when you feel calm and level-headed.

Try the techniques below to help prevent you from getting angry so often.

Relaxation exercises

Anger can result from built-up, unresolved distress or stress. Learning relaxation skills and breathing exercises can help release the physical tension in your body, which can contribute to anger problems.

Physical exercise

Physical exercise can help to reduce the stress that can cause you to feel angry. You can go for a run, ride your bike, take the dog out for a walk, head to the gym, or play a sport. Regular exercise can help to regulate your stress levels overall, and it can also be a helpful tactic to burn off excess energy.

Take a break

Short breaks during the day can relieve your stress and help you relax. You can do something you enjoy, like listening to music or just sitting in a quiet space. A short period of quiet time can also prepare you for the rest of the day.

Identify your anger triggers

Try to identify the situations, people, or events that trigger your anger. Once you have identified your anger triggers, you can start to take steps to manage them. This may involve avoiding certain situations, communicating more effectively, or developing new healthy coping mechanisms.

Find alternatives or a new solution

Instead of letting the same situations repeatedly trigger your anger, look for practical ways to change them. Focus on what you can control and be realistic about what you can and cannot change. For example, if your daily commutes make you angry, consider adjusting your travel time or route. If a friend is always late to a meet-up, try scheduling it at a more convenient time or using the waiting time productively. Finding alternatives to frustrating situations is taking an active step towards managing your anger.

Identify other emotions

While anger may feel like the easiest response to difficult situations, it frequently masks other feelings like hurt, fear, shock, helplessness, or sadness. When these feelings are hidden, anger becomes the default reaction. Learning to identify the emotions beneath your anger can lead to better conversations and healthier ways to resolve conflict.

Improve communication skills

Slowing down, actively listening, and thinking before responding can help reduce heated conversations. The MensLine Communication Toolkit can assist you in developing your communication skills in relationships.

Find a creative outlet

Engaging in an activity that you enjoy or finding a healthy hobby can help reduce feelings of anger. Some examples are creative writing, painting, singing, playing an instrument, cooking, building Lego, and gardening.

Seek professional help

MensLine Australia is a free service with professional counsellors who can help you work through your anger management issues. Call 1300 78 99 78 to speak to a counsellor or click the floating chat button on the right to start a web chat.

For ongoing support, speak to your doctor. They can refer you to specialist help, which may include psychological support to address problem anger. If you are referred to a psychologist by your GP, you may be eligible for a Medicare rebate.

More resources on relationships and anger management

 Anger Management Toolkit

The MensLine Anger Management Toolkit has worksheets you can download to help you better manage your anger.

Communication Toolkit

The MensLine Communication Toolkit has worksheets you can download to assist you in developing your communication skills in your relationships.

Renovate your Relationship – A manual for men

Download the Renovate Your Relationship booklet for men. This booklet has practical advice on how to do the maintenance work beforehand, so your relationship does not reach a crisis point. The booklet was developed by Relationships Australia Victoria and MensLine Australia

Different anger management strategies work for different people. If your current approach is not working, try other methods. If anger is impacting your daily life, seek support from a health professional.

If you are someone you know is in danger or if it is an emergency, call 000.

Call MensLine Australia to talk to our counsellors who can provide you with tools and information to help you with your situation. MensLine Australia is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with professional counsellors providing information and support for all relationship issues. The service is free.

Call us on 1300 78 99 78 or access free online counsellin