Why am I so angry, and what can I do about it?

• Understanding anger
• Reasons why you may be angry
• Manage your anger in healthy ways

Understanding anger  

Everyone gets angry sometimes. It’s a normal human emotion.  Maybe you stub your toe, a colleague messes up your work, you are late for an important event, you have misplaced your phone, or your favourite team loses.  These things can make you feel angry. But what if you feel angry a lot of the time, or get really angry over small things?  It’s helpful to understand why you’re feeling this way so you can learn to manage it better. 

What is anger 

Anger is often triggered when we feel we’ve been treated unfairly or unjustly, or that our wellbeing or social standing is threatened.  No one can make you angry.  Your anger comes from your own thoughts and how you interpret what’s happening, along with your coping skills and what supports you have in place.  This is why two people can experience the same situation, and one might get angry while the other person does not.  The difference lies in how they perceive the event. 

When you are frequently angry, it becomes a problem for you and the people around you. It can be frightening for family, loved ones, and friends to witness angry outbursts. Expressing anger in an abusive, violent or negative way is never acceptable. No matter how intense your anger or frustration might be, there is never any excuse for threatening, abusive, and violent behaviour. 

According to the Australian Psychological Society, if you have problem anger, your anger is frequent, intense, and long-lasting. When this happens:1 

• Your thoughts may be irrational. You tend to blame others.  

• Your emotional response may range from annoyance to extreme feelings of rage. 

• Your sympathetic nervous system is activated, raising the heart rate, increasing muscle tension, and sometimes creating the sensation of feeling hot. 

• You may exhibit aggressive and violent behaviours.  

Reasons why you may be angry 

Anger is often connected to other feelings or situations. Here are some common reasons why people get angry: 

• Fear: Sometimes, anger is a reaction to fear. If you are worried about yourself or someone you care about, you might get angry as a way of protecting them (or yourself). For example, a parent might get angry at a child for running into the street, even though they are just really scared that the child might get hurt. 

• Feeling powerless: Feeling like you have no control over a situation, can be frustrating and lead to anger. This can happen, for example, if you’re dealing with a health problem or a difficult situation at home or work. 

• Feeling threatened or aggrieved: If you believe your wellbeing is under threat or that someone has wronged you, it may trigger anger. 

• Feeling overwhelmed: If you’re stressed or anxious, even small things can irritate you and make you angry. Similarly, a lack of sleep can also make you more susceptible to anger.  

• Past experiences: Sometimes, past traumas or painful experiences can trigger anger. These memories can be powerful and make you feel angry even if the current situation is not directly related to what happened before. 

• Grief and loss: Grief, especially after losing a loved one, can bring up powerful emotions including anger. You may also feel angry after a significant loss, like the end of a relationship or losing a job.  

• Disappointment: When things don’t go how you expected or you don’t achieve a goal you had set, you may feel frustrated and angry. 

• Underlying mental health issues: Sometimes, anger can be a symptom of a mental health issue, such as post-traumatic stress disorder.  

Anger is a basic human emotion, and feeling angry is OK when it is expressed appropriately and in proportion to the situation. Below are some suggestions on how you can manage your anger in a healthy way.  

Manage your anger in healthy ways 

If you feel yourself starting to get angry, stop for a moment and ask yourself: 

• Is this issue worth getting angry or upset about? 

• Is there anything I can do to change the situation? 

• Is my response appropriate? 

• Is winning the argument worth the damage it may do to my relationship or friendship? 

Here are some suggestions to help you manage your anger in a healthy way: 

• Recognise your triggers: Identify the triggers that make you angry and look for ways to do things differently or avoid them if you can.   

• Identify your anger warning signs: By identifying your anger warning signs early, you can do something to stop your anger from escalating. Anger warning signs include muscle tightening, rapid breathing, sweating, and shaking.  

• Take a time out: If you feel your anger rising, step away from the situation. You can say something like, “I think I need to take a break for a little bit. I’ll come back and we can sort this out in half an hour.”   

• Deep breathing: When you are angry, your breathing often becomes fast and shallow. Slowing and deepening your breath can help reduce the anger. Try taking five long, slow breaths. Focus on relaxing the muscles in your arms and face. Relaxation exercises can also help to decrease the tension in your body.  

• Use self-talk calming statements: Use self-talk to help you get less angry during an exchange. You can try calming statements like, “I am not going to let this get to me.” 

• Reframe the situation: Change the way you think when you get angry. For example, instead of thinking, “This is terrible and so unfair,” say to yourself, “I am frustrated, but I can handle it.” 

• Distract yourself: Distract yourself to stop your anger from escalating. You can walk the dog, listen to a podcast, clean the house, or call a friend. Shifting your focus to something else can help reduce the anger.  

• Exercise: Regular exercise is a great way to reduce stress and anger. Find something you enjoy doing, such as footy, running, cycling, or hiking.  

• Find a creative outlet: Get a hobby or find a creative outlet. Even if you think you are too busy, make the time to do something you enjoy.  

Anger is a perfectly normal emotion, and everybody feels angry from time to time. But if your anger is negatively affecting your life or those around you, it’s time to reach out for support. You can contact your GP, who can refer you to a specialist such as a psychologist. You can also call a free service like MensLine Australia on 1300 78 99 78 to speak to a counsellor.  

More resources on anger management and relationships  

Managing anger and anger management techniques 

Anger – managing trigger events 

The MensLine Australia Anger Management Toolkit has worksheets you can download to help you better manage your anger. 

The MensLine Australia Communication Toolkit has worksheets you can download to assist you in developing your communication skills in your relationships. 

If you are struggling with your anger, you can phone MensLine Australia. We’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week and our service is free.   

Call us on 1300 78 99 78 or click on the floating chat button on the right to access online counselling.  

In an emergency, please call 000.