Understanding emotional abuse

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse, sometimes called psychological abuse, is a form of manipulation and control that can harm a person’s mental health and emotional wellbeing.

Emotional abuse is an ongoing pattern of behaviour to emotionally hurt someone, which is sometimes difficult to recognise, as it can take the form of subtle or deceptive behaviours. It can happen on its own, or there may also be other types of abuse occurring at the same time (e.g. verbal abuse, financial abuse, or physical abuse).

Emotional abuse can occur in different types of relationships – including romantic, family, friendship, and carer relationships.

Signs of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can cause serious harm to a person’s mental health and wellbeing and can have long-lasting effects. It is important to recognise the signs of emotional abuse and to seek help if you or someone you know is experiencing it.

Common signs of emotional abuse include:

• Constant criticism or belittling of someone’s actions or opinions.
• Intentionally embarrassing someone or belittling them in public.
• Threats or intimidation.
• Gaslighting – manipulating someone into doubting their own reality or memories.
• Constantly making someone feel scared or unsafe.
• Ongoing mood swings when a person is nice one minute and unkind the next, making the other person feel like they are ‘walking on eggshells’.
• Withholding affection or attention as a bargaining tool or out of anger.
• Constant criticism of someone’s appearance, intelligence, or abilities.
• Dismissing a person’s achievements.
• Isolating a person from friends and family or controlling who they can see or talk to.
• Being very jealous of time spent with other people.
• Wanting to know what the person is doing all the time and staying in constant contact.

Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are similar. However, verbal abuse typically includes using hurtful and controlling language, as well as yelling, name-calling, and giving the silent treatment.

What is the impact of emotional abuse

The effects of emotional abuse can include:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Self-doubt
• Feeling worthless
• Feeling ashamed
• Lacking confidence
• Feeling powerless
• Difficulty with relationships and trust.

What to do if you are experiencing emotional abuse

Family and domestic violence of any kind is never acceptable, including emotional abuse. Everyone has the right to feel safe, respected, and supported. Family and domestic violence is never the fault of the person being abused.

If you are experiencing emotional abuse, there is help and support available:

• Talk to trusted family and friends. Opening up to people you trust can help you feel less alone and gain a new perspective and way forward.
• Talk to a health professional, social worker, or your GP – they can offer referral pathways for specialist support.

• MensLine Australia is a free counselling helpline that is open 24/7.
• 1800RESPECT is a free helpline for people experiencing abuse. The website also has a directory to help you find local services.
• 13YARN is an Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander crisis support line open 24/7.
• QLife has a helpline open from 3pm to midnight.
• Relationships Australia has resources and offers counselling services.

• Services Australia has information, referrals and support for people affected by family and domestic violence.

• Call 000 immediately if anyone’s safety is at risk.

Remember that emotional abuse is never your fault and that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Seeking help and support can make a significant difference in your journey towards healing and recovery.

How to help someone who is experiencing emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can have long-term impacts on those affected, including ongoing loss of confidence and trust. If you think someone you know may be experiencing emotional or psychological abuse, here are some ways you can help:

• If a family member or friend is experiencing emotional abuse, try to reach out to them and keep regular contact.
• Let them know that they are not alone and that you are there to support them.
• Let the person know you are there to listen and validate their concerns.
• Be patient and listen without judgment.
• Assure the person they are not to blame, and that emotional abuse is painful and distressing, even if there is no physical abuse.
• Gently suggest options for seeking help but let them make the decision so they feel in control of their choices. Examples include support from a counsellor, psychologist, social worker or a helpline like 1800RESPECT. You can offer to accompany them to their appointments.
• There are a number of free options for information and support that can help you or the person you are worried about.
• If you are worried about the safety of the person experiencing abuse, you can suggest they have a safety plan in place and help them develop one.
• Be patient and understanding. Healing from emotional abuse takes time, and recovery is often not a linear process. Continue to offer your encouragement throughout their journey.
• Don’t force the conversation – if they don’t want to talk, you can still let them know you are concerned and available anytime.
• If anyone’s safety is at risk or it is an emergency, call 000.

Steps you can take to stop using emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is never OK. If you realise that you have been emotionally abusing someone, here are some options to help you change:

• Acknowledge your behaviour: Take responsibility for your actions and understand the harm they have caused.
• Seek help: Speak to a health professional or counsellor who specialises in abusive behaviour to help you address the root causes and develop healthier coping strategies. Our free Changing for Good violence prevention program may be right for you. Your GP can also provide referrals to services.
• Behaviour change: Men’s Behaviour Change Programs provide the skills and tools to maintain respectful relationships.
• Practise self-reflection: Regularly check in with yourself and examine your thoughts, feelings, and behaviour to identify any abusive patterns.
• Communicate respectfully: Make a conscious effort to communicate in a way that is respectful and non-threatening.
• Learn healthy conflict resolution skills: Seek out resources to learn healthy conflict resolution skills such as active listening, compromise, and problem-solving.

By seeking help and taking steps to change, you can make a positive difference in your relationships and the lives of those around you.

Further reading

• Understanding verbal abuse
• Understanding financial abuse
• Renovate your relationship

If you are impacted by family or domestic violence you can call MensLine Australia on 1300 78 99 78, access online counselling, or contact 1800RESPECT.

If it is an emergency, call 000.