Understanding verbal abuse

Verbal abuse is when a person uses words to gain power and control over someone. It can occur in different types of relationships – including intimate partners, adult to child, peer to peer, or even in workplace relationships. While occasional conflict is common in some relationships, it’s important to understand the difference between “normal” arguments and verbal abuse.

The distinction between arguing and verbal abuse

Verbal abuse is the harmful use of language to control, intimidate or hurt someone. It can include behaviour such as name-calling, belittling, or using controlling or threatening language.

Arguing, on the other hand, is a disagreement or a difference of opinion which is expressed by the parties in a respectful manner. Although it may include strong emotions or raised voices, it is not intended to harm or demean the other person. Arguments are an unavoidable part of most relationships. While it’s not always possible to resolve differences, it’s important to try and create a safe environment where you can appreciate the other person’s opinion, even when you disagree.

You can start by discussing boundaries and decide in advance how you will respectfully resolve conflict, ideally without yelling or name calling. Try to listen effectively to the other person and understand their perspective, or sometimes just simply ‘agree to disagree’.

While it’s important to aim to respectfully resolve differences, many people still have one-off unhealthy arguments where they yell at each other or get angry. This alone does not constitute abuse. Verbal abuse is when the arguments are ongoing and uneven, and one person regularly initiates arguments to degrade, control, or dominate the other.

Signs of verbal abuse

• Yelling: it’s common for people in relationships to raise their voice or yell every now and then out of frustration, but ongoing and repeated yelling is cause for concern
• Swearing and name-calling: belittling someone by calling them names, swearing at them, or putting them down
• Demanding or ordering: telling someone they have to do something and they don’t have a choice
• Threatening or blackmail: telling someone there will be consequences if they don’t do something. For example, “If you go out with your friends tonight, don’t bother coming back”
• “Gaslighting”: when a person is manipulated into questioning their own sanity or perceptions, creating self-doubt
• Manipulating: saying things to get someone to do something, often through guilt, such as “I did this for you” or “if you loved me, you’d do this for me”
• Patronising: talking down to someone or implying they are inferior or less capable in some way. For example, saying, “You won’t understand, so I’ll explain this again”
• Blame: always saying it was the person’s fault for “causing” the argument
• Passing abuse off as a joke: shaming, insulting, swearing or belittling them and then saying, “I was only joking” or “You’re too sensitive”
• Insulting: Belittling or insulting people, or things, that the person likes, or their religious beliefs
• Silent treatment: refusing to talk to the person and blaming them for the silence.

Long term effects of verbal abuse on victims can include low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-harm, and anxiety. Victims may also find it difficult to make decisions and doubt their own ability to communicate.

What to do if you are a victim of verbal abuse

If you are a victim of verbal abuse, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and regain control of the situation:

• Recognise the behaviour as abuse: Acknowledge that these actions are abusive and that it is not your fault.
• Speak up and set boundaries: Let the other person now that their behaviour is unacceptable and let them know what you will and will not tolerate.
• Walk away: If possible, distance yourself from the abuser by walking away.
• Seek support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member or professional about your situation. They can provide you with emotional support and guidance on how to handle the situation.
• Get professional help: Consider getting professional support. MensLine counsellors can help you to work through your emotions and develop strategies for coping with the abuse.
• Safety: Call 000 immediately if anyone’s safety is at risk.

It is important to remember that verbal abuse is never acceptable, and you can take steps to protect yourself and your wellbeing.

Steps you can take to stop using verbal abuse

If you think that your behaviour may constitute signs of verbal abuse (or any form of domestic violence) there are some steps you can take to get help to change your behaviour:

• Improve your understanding: Take the time to learn more about verbal abuse, what it can look like and how to avoid it in your relationships.
• Aim for healthy disagreement: There are many strategies you can use for effective communication to resolve conflict, without resorting to verbal abuse.
• Talk about it: Discussing your concerns with a trusted friend, healthcare professional, or a qualified counsellor can be the start of changing this behaviour
• Behaviour change: Change is possible but ongoing expert support may be your best option for success. Men’s behaviour change programs offer tools for developing better relationships and learning non-abusive behaviour. The programs model an attitude of respect rather than punishment or shame for what you have done.

Further reading

• Understanding emotional abuse
• Understanding financial abuse

If you’re experiencing family or domestic violence you can call MensLine Australia on 1300 78 99 78, or visit 1800RESPECT.

If it is an emergency, please call 000.