Understanding verbal abuse

Verbal abuse is when a person uses words to gain power and control over someone. It can occur in different types of relationships – including intimate partners, parent-to-child, family, peer-to-peer, and workplace relationships. While occasional disagreements can be common in some relationships, it’s important to understand the difference between normal arguments and verbal abuse.

The distinction between arguing and verbal abuse

Verbal abuse is the harmful use of language to control, intimidate or hurt someone. It can include behaviour such as name-calling, belittling, or using controlling or threatening language. Verbal abuse may also happen with other forms of emotional abuse.

Arguing, on the other hand, is a disagreement or a difference of opinion which is expressed in a respectful manner. While it may involve strong emotions, healthy arguments:

• Focus on the issue at hand, not personal attacks.
• Allow both parties to express their views.
• Use respectful language.
• Can lead to compromise or resolution.
• Don’t involve threats or manipulation.
• Respect personal boundaries.
• End with both parties feeling heard, even if they disagree.

Healthy arguments are not intended to harm or demean the other person. While it’s not always possible to resolve differences, you can create a safe environment to appreciate the other person’s opinion, even when you disagree. Try actively listening to the other person and understanding their perspective, or sometimes ‘agree to disagree’.

While some people may have a one-off unhealthy argument, verbal abuse is different. Verbal abuse is when one person deliberately uses words to gain power and control over the other person. Rather than a typical argument that flares up and resolves, verbal abuse is an ongoing pattern of behaviour that can diminish someone’s self-worth through constant criticism and belittlement. It is when one person regularly initiates arguments to degrade, cause harm, control, or dominate the other person.

Signs of verbal abuse

Common signs of verbal abuse include:

• Yelling: Ongoing and repeated yelling or speaking in an aggressive tone.
• Criticising: Giving someone non-constructive remarks that are deliberately hurtful.
• Swearing and name-calling: Belittling someone by calling them hurtful names, swearing at them, or putting them down.
• Demanding or ordering: Telling someone they must do something, and they don’t have a choice.
• Threatening or blackmail: Telling someone there will be consequences if they don’t do something. For example, “If you go out with your friends tonight, don’t bother coming back”.
• Gaslighting: When a person is manipulated into questioning their own sanity or perceptions, creating self-doubt.
• Manipulating: Saying things to get someone to do something, often through guilt, such as “I did this for you” or “If you loved me, you’d do this for me”.
• Patronising: Talking down to someone or implying they are inferior or less capable in some way. For example, saying, “You won’t understand, so I’ll explain this again”.
• Blame: Saying it was the person’s fault for “causing” the argument.
• Ridicule: Making jokes at the person’s expense, causing them to feel embarrassed.
• Passing abuse off as a joke: Shaming, insulting, swearing or belittling them and then saying, “I was only joking” or “You’re too sensitive”.
• Insulting: Belittling or insulting people or things that the person likes.
• Silent treatment: Ignoring or refusing to talk to the person.

What is the impact of verbal abuse

The effects of verbal abuse can include:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Stress
• Feeling scared
• Self-doubt
• Low self-esteem
• Feeling worthless
• Social isolation.

What to do if you are experiencing verbal abuse

Dealing with verbal abuse can be difficult, and every person’s situation and circumstance is different. Here are some suggestions you can consider as you regain control of the situation:

• Recognise the behaviour as abuse: Acknowledge that these actions are abusive and that it is not your fault.

• Speak up and set boundaries: If possible, let the other person know that their behaviour is unacceptable and let them know what you will and will not tolerate.
• Limit time with the person: If possible, distance yourself from the person. Distance can also help you to reevaluate your relationship with the person.
• Seek support: Talk to a trusted friend or family member about your situation. They can offer emotional support and help you take the next steps.
• Get professional help: A counsellor or healthcare professional can help you work through your emotions and situation.
  • MensLine Australia is a free service that has counsellors available 24/7.
  • 1800RESPECT is a free helpline for people experiencing abuse. The website also has a directory to help you find local services.
  • 13YARN is an Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander crisis support line open 24/7.
  • QLife has a helpline open from 3pm to midnight.
  • Relationships Australia has resources and offers counselling services.

• Services Australia has information, referrals and support for people affected by family and domestic violence.

• • Speak to a health professional or your GP – they can usually refer you to specialist services.
  • If this happens at work, speak to your supervisor, line manager, health and safety representative, or HR department. Your organisation may also have a free Employee Assistance Program.
• Safety: Call 000 immediately if anyone’s safety is at risk.

It is important to remember that verbal abuse is never acceptable, and you can take steps to protect yourself and your wellbeing.

Steps you can take to stop using verbal abuse

Verbal abuse is not acceptable. If you recognise signs of verbal abuse in your own behaviour, there are steps you can take to change:

• Acknowledge your behaviour: Recognise when you are using verbally abusive behaviour and its impact.
• Improve your understanding: Take the time to learn more about verbal abuse, what it can look like and how to avoid it in your relationships.
• Learn about healthy communication techniques: There are many strategies for effective communication that can resolve conflict without resorting to verbal abuse.
• Manage your anger: Learn about anger management techniques such as taking a momentary pause, slowing your breathing, reframing the situation, and more.
• Talk about it: Discussing your concerns with a trusted friend, healthcare professional, or qualified counsellor can be the start of changing this behaviour. As a first step, reach out to a free helpline like MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78 or speak to your GP.
• Behaviour change: Men’s Behaviour Change Programs provide the skills and tools to maintain respectful relationships. You can also consider the Changing for Good program, which offers free phone counselling for men who are worried their behaviour may escalate to physical violence.

Further reading

• Understanding emotional abuse
• Understanding financial abuse

If you are impacted by family or domestic violence you can call MensLine Australia on 1300 78 99 78, or visit 1800RESPECT.

If it is an emergency, please call 000.