Communication styles in relationships – Painters and Pointers

What are Painters and Pointers?

These two styles describe how people tend to share what’s on their mind. Most of us may lean one way or the other. 

Painters

• Tend to think out loud. 
• ‘Paint a picture’ when they talk, sharing lots of detail and often expressing emotion through the story.

Pointers

• Arrange their thoughts before they speak. 
• Tend to get straight to the point and may not show much emotion.

Potential friction when communicating in relationships

• A Painter can get frustrated by a Pointer’s lack of emotion and might think they don’t care.  
• A Pointer can get frustrated waiting for a Painter to reach the point.

How to improve your communication

Pointers do care, and Painters do have a point. If you’re with someone whose style is different to yours, the key to a better conversation is to understand each other’s style and gently guide each other towards what works for you both.  

Communicating with a Painter

Listening to a Painter: Painters convey a lot of emotion and detail. To understand them, try not to interrupt, as they need the story to reach the heart of what they’re saying. Let the story unfold. 

If you’re a Painter: You can get your point across more clearly by giving the headline first (if you know it), then filling in the back story. It also helps to let the other person know early on if everything’s okay, so the build-up doesn’t leave them worrying.

Communicating with a Pointer

Listening to a Pointer: Listen closely to the first thing a Pointer says, as that’s usually their main point. Pointers don’t often volunteer how they feel, so it helps to ask, or to ask them to expand on a point, to better understand what’s going on for them. Try not to interrupt or draw them out with a long story, or they’ll lose interest. 

If you’re a Pointer: You can help by adding a bit more detail. Lead with your main point, then give some context. Sharing how you feel helps the other person see that you do care and can express emotion. 

Value the differences

Remember how you came together in the first place. Early on, those different styles may have felt refreshing, giving you space to express yourself in a way that suited you. Different styles can be frustrating at times, but they often attract. Styles that are too alike can also struggle. For example, two Painters can end up competing for the same airtime, while two Pointers can find the conversation runs dry. 

There are real pluses to being with someone whose style differs from yours. Painters are often great at social events, while Pointers tend to be strong in negotiation. Appreciate each other’s strengths and learn to use them as a team. 

By taking the time to understand how you each communicate, you can find common ground without losing the natural strengths of your partner’s style.

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