Experiencing a violent or abusive relationship

Understanding violence and abuse in relationships 

Violence and abuse in intimate relationships can have different combinations of controlling behaviour, and it can change over time. No one person’s experience is typical.  

Violence and abuse in relationships include: 

• Physical abuse – slapping, hitting, pushing, scratching, and other forms of physical violence.  

• Sexual abuse – forced sexual activity, rape, and sexual threats.  

• Verbal abuse – name-calling, threats, yelling, put-downs, and humiliation. 

• Emotional and psychological abuse – belittling remarks, being ignored, gaslighting, stalking, and emotional blackmail.  

• Coercive control – using controlling tactics to threaten your independence or restrict your freedom. 

• Limited decision-making – having all decisions relating to finances, purchases, lifestyle, and living arrangements made for you. 

• Social isolation – being unreasonably restricted from your family or friends. 

• Dominating behaviour – behaviour designed to deliberately frighten, harm, or control you. 

Violence and abuse often involve a pattern of behaviour that makes you feel afraid, worthless, or unsafe – whether through words, behaviour, or physical harm. Recognising these signs in your relationship is a step towards getting the support you need.  

Here are some questions to ask yourself: 

• Does your partner make you feel unsafe or frightened in your relationship? 

• Has your partner ever threatened to harm you? 

• Does your partner physically hurt you? 

• Does your partner put you down or call you names?  

• Are you insulted, demeaned, or criticised in public by your partner? 

• Is living with your partner like ‘walking on eggshells’? 

• Does your partner prevent you from doing things that are important to you? E.g. Seeing family or friends. 

• Are your partner’s needs the only ones allowed to be met in the relationship? 

• Does your partner control the household finances and how you spend your money? 

• Does your partner constantly demand to know where you are at all times? 

If you have answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you may be experiencing abuse or violence in your relationship. Violence and abuse are never OK.  

There is help available: 

• 1800RESPECT is Australia’s national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling, information and support service. 

• If you or someone else is in danger, call 000. 

Will your partner change? 

The cycle of abuse is a common pattern that occurs. According to Healthdirect, it begins with growing tension, where you may feel the need to change your behaviour to prevent conflict. This tension eventually erupts into an abusive incident, which can be verbal, physical, or emotional. After the abuse, there’s often a period where the abuser expresses regret – making excuses, apologising, or promising it won’t happen again. A calm phase typically follows, where the abuser may become extremely affectionate and giving. However, once this phase ends, the cycle usually starts again, with tension slowly building. 

A change in your partner’s behaviour is unlikely to occur without them obtaining professional support. Your partner may feel remorse after an abusive incident, but the abuse is unlikely to stop unless they seek help, or you remove yourself from the situation.  

Impact of violence and abuse 

Experiencing violence and abuse, even over a short time, can have a longer-term impact on a person, including: 

• Feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, powerlessness, and isolation. 

• Feelings of shame, guilt, regret, and despair. 

• A loss of self-confidence.  

• Mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.  

• Physical injury, health problems, and disrupted sleep patterns.  

• Difficulty functioning in other parts of your life – such as at work or among your friends and social group. 

What can I do when in a violent or abusive relationship? 

Report it 

Let someone else know what is going on. Talk with a person in a position of authority (police, lawyer, doctor) who will know your rights and responsibilities or who can put you in contact with a professional for expert advice. When contacting police, in some circumstances, they will be required to take action if your safety is at risk. 

If it is safe, you may want to keep a record of the incidents. This can be useful if you need legal protection or police intervention. Make sure to keep this in a safe place where the abusive person cannot find it. 

Get support 

It is important that you find someone you can confide in about your situation. Talking about what is happening is very important and can undo some of the feelings of isolation and helplessness that are common. This person can have specialist skills such as counselling, but that is not essential; it needs to be someone who will listen to you carefully and be available as you work out how to manage the situation. 

Here are some services you can contact: 

• Call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. 1800RESPECT is available for free, 24 hours a day, seven days a week to support people impacted by domestic, family or sexual violence. 

• Call MensLine Australia on 1300 78 99 78. Our service is free, and our counsellors are available 24/7.  

• If you are in immediate danger, call 000. 

Develop a safety plan 

You can develop a safety plan if you believe your safety, or the safety of others could be at risk.  

A safety plan is a practical strategy to help protect you now and in the future. Your plan can include steps to take for everyday situations and preparations for times when you might need to leave quickly. You can tailor the safety plan to your situation, daily routines, and the places where you regularly spend time.  

1800RESPECT has a detailed safety planning checklist that you can use to develop your plan. You can work with someone you trust to create the plan or contact a service like 1800RESPECT for support.  

No one deserves to be abused or experience violence. If you are experiencing a violent or abusive relationship, please reach out for support.  

If you’re experiencing family or domestic violence you can call MensLine Australia on 1300 78 99 78, or visit 1800RESPECT to access counselling and information on support services. 

In an emergency, call 000.