Coping with relationship separation and divorce

Relationship breakup – separation and divorce

Separation and divorce are some of the most challenging life experiences anyone can face. Losing a relationship, even if it wasn’t right for us, can be a very painful experience. It is common to feel a range of emotions, such as frustration, powerlessness, anger, denial, confusion, and even relief. These feelings can lead to other difficulties, such as loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, problems at work, and social withdrawal. However, it’s important to remember that with time, the impact will lessen, and you will find a way to move forward.

The loss we experience when a relationship breaks down is not only about losing a partner and their company. Social networks, dreams and ideas may also be lost. These dreams and ideas may include who you are, your place in the world, and how you thought your life would look in the future. Sometimes, this loss of dreams and ideas can be the hardest to cope with.

A breakup can also bring uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns can sometimes seem worse than being in an unhappy relationship, which is one of the many reasons why people hold on to something that is not working.

Common challenges and practical solutions

1. Loss of Identity: Men may struggle with losing their identity after a breakup, particularly if they were heavily invested in the relationship. You may feel a significant part of your life is missing and may not know who you are without your partner.
   Solution: Focus your time on rediscovering who you are and what you enjoy doing. You can start by trying new hobbies or reconnecting with old friends to help build a new sense of identity. If you want to dig deeper, consider speaking with a professional counsellor to work through your feelings and gain clarity about what you want in life.
2. Social Isolation: After a breakup, you may feel socially isolated, especially if you spent a lot of time with your partner. It’s common to feel unsure about how to spend your free time at first or feel like you have no one to talk to.
   Solution: Start by reaching out to friends and family and letting them know how you feel. Organise a regular catchup and try to build a new social routine. To expand your social network and fill the gaps, consider joining local social groups or clubs or volunteering. There are also online forums and support groups to connect with others who are going through similar experiences.
3. Emotions: Many men feel they need to suppress their emotions or appear tough after a breakup, particularly if they have been socialised to believe that expressing vulnerability is a sign of weakness. However, suppressing emotions can start impacting your everyday activities and overall mental health and wellbeing.
   Solution: Prioritise your emotional wellbeing and allow yourself to feel your emotions, even if they are uncomfortable. If this brings up difficult thoughts and feelings, it’s an opportunity to develop strategies to process them in a healthy way. Try mindfulness exercises, journaling, or seek support from a professional counsellor to help you work through it.
4. Physical Health: Breakups can also have physical effects on men, such as loss of appetite, disrupted sleep, or increased alcohol or drug use.
   Solution: It’s easy to let healthy habits slip when struggling, but it is when you need it most. Try to maintain a nutritious diet, get regular exercise, and seek professional advice if you are experiencing physical symptoms or need help to address substance use or addiction.

Ways to cope with relationship separation

There are things you can do to get through this difficult adjustment. Even in times of emotional crisis like relationship separation and divorce, there are opportunities to grow and learn. Think of this period in your life as a time-out for sowing the seeds for new growth and reinventing yourself.

Here are some tips on how to cope after a relationship separation:

1. Establish boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries as early as possible to support your ability to heal and move on. These boundaries may include limiting the time and energy you give to your ex-partner. Although many people would like to ‘stay friends’, this is often difficult and may not be realistic or healthy, at least in the early stages. If you are co-parenting with an ex-partner, work together on how you will keep the focus on the children, share important information, and still have respect for each other’s space and feelings while you adjust.
2. Go easy on yourself: Give yourself permission to take some time to reflect on things and reevaluate your life. Balance is key – be careful not to spend too much time dwelling on the past. Give yourself time to re-establish your own independent interests and social networks. Remember that moving on is the end goal – getting stuck in hurtful feelings can prevent you from healing and moving forward.
3. Watch your thinking: Try to maintain a positive outlook on life choices. It will help you with your recovery and allow you to build a strong, healthy life post-separation. For example, focus on your strengths and the things you enjoy doing.
4. Don’t let your lifestyle stagnate: Use this life change to take a new direction, perhaps in an area you have been interested in but never had the time to pursue. For example, take up a new hobby, join a sports team, or go on a trip.
5. Grow your connections: Finding your tribe can help you grow your connections. Reach out to old friends and family or make new ones. Join a club, volunteer or attend social events to meet new people who share your interests.
6. Reach out for support: It’s essential to seek support from friends, family, or health professionals. Trying to ‘tough it out’ on your own can put you at risk of mental and physical health problems. Talk to someone you trust or consider speaking with a doctor, counsellor, or therapist.

Support services

It is important to know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression. If you don’t feel any forward momentum after taking some time to heal and your low mood is sticking around, you may have depression. When you have depression, you can feel hopeless, sad, irritable, and disconnected. It’s also likely that you don’t want to be around other people. Speak to your doctor or a health professional if you are feeling depressed or struggling to maintain your regular routine.

Here are some services you can reach out to if you need emotional, mental health or wellbeing support:

• MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78 – free 24/7 phone and online counselling service for men.
• Lifeline 13 11 14 – free 24/7 crisis support helpline.
• 13YARN 13 92 76 – free 24/7 Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander crisis support line.
• Relationships Australia – counselling services for separation, divorce, and life changes.
• Healthdirect – a free directory to help you find a GP, counselling, and mental health services.

For further information and services for people going through separation or divorce, you can visit the following websites:

• Family Relationships Online provides information and resources on relationship difficulties and separation. They also have a free advice line to help families affected by relationship or separation issues.
• My Gov has information and next steps for parents who are separating from a partner.

More reading

• Understanding anxiety
• Self-care toolkit
• Anger management toolkit
• Mental fitness

If you need to talk to someone, give one of our MensLine Australia counsellors a call on 1300 78 99 78 or click the floating chat button on the right to access online counselling. MensLine Australia is a free service and is available 24/7.

If it is an emergency, call 000.