Men and intimacy

What is intimacy?

Intimacy is the experience of emotional closeness. It occurs when two people are emotionally open with each other and reveal their true feelings, thoughts, fears, desires, and hopes. Intimacy happens when both people can genuinely trust one another and feel able to take the risk of being vulnerable. Without intimacy, we can experience loneliness. A perceived lack of intimacy is a common reason for relationship breakdowns.

Intimacy difficulties for men

Some men struggle with intimacy, as they may have been socialised to appear strong and in control. While intimacy encourages vulnerability as you connect with another person, a perceived need for men to hide any weakness can interfere with experiencing closeness. Real intimacy always involves some degree of vulnerability and letting your guard down.

Some men may abandon relationships and intimacy because they fear losing their sense of independence. Emotional closeness is about balancing your sense of self while still being connected with the other person.

Men may often confuse sex and intimacy. These are not the same thing. If sex is a physical act, intimacy is the closeness of feeling loved, valued, and respected without judgement. Sex without intimacy can be unrewarding, just as sex with it can be deeply passionate and fulfilling. It is also possible to experience intimacy without sex.

Some men confuse intimacy with the ‘honeymoon’ period of a relationship when everything feels passionate and exciting. This stage is usually in the first part of a relationship, and when/if it ends, the relationship may seem to lose some of its initial intensity. This does not mean that intimacy is lost. What it does signal is the beginning of a new phase of the relationship, in which both partners need to invest effort to maintain the emotional closeness that seemed to come so easily early on.

Men may also experience difficulties being intimate because of a lack of emotional vocabulary and expression. Men may feel less able to express their feelings and feel uncomfortable discussing emotions. However, it is important to remember it is a skill that can be learned.

Reasons and tips for developing intimacy

Developing intimacy takes effort from both partners, and it builds up over time. It is not always easy. It’s okay to be apprehensive about it, but don’t let that stop you from trying. If you do not express your emotions, your partner may fail to recognise how you feel and what you are experiencing.

Achieving emotional closeness involves an emotional risk. If you open up to someone, there is the risk of being hurt if the other person does not react in an accepting way. However, trusting the other person with your feelings will often lead to them opening up to you as well. If you always wait for the other person to open up first, you may never achieve closeness.

Even if the other person does not accept the thoughts and emotions you reveal, the relationship will often be better off for your honesty. Learning to manage your uncomfortable feelings when someone does not agree with you without arguing or withdrawing is an important skill.

When emotional distance has become a habit and you are experiencing intimacy problems, relationship breakdown is increasingly likely. The risk to the relationship of not opening up is far greater than the risk of being honest. Challenge any limiting beliefs about masculinity, such as ‘men should not show their emotions’.

Here are some tips for building a better relationship with your partner:

• Open communication – listen to your partner without interrupting or judgement. Be open to sharing your views, ideas, feelings, and emotions. Feeling heard and understood can help deepen the relationship.
• Reconnect over activities – create opportunities to spend time together doing things you enjoy. These can even be small moments you can fit into your everyday life, such as watching your favourite show or cooking a meal together.
• Express gratitude – when you express gratitude, your partner feels seen, valued, and understood. Appreciate each other’s roles in the relationship.

For more information and practical advice on relationships, download the Renovate Your Relationship booklet from Relationships Australia and MensLine Australia.

If you are having relationship problems, you can reach out for support.

• MensLine Australia is a free phone service with counsellors available 24/7 – Call 1300 78 99 78.
• Relationships Australia provides counselling for couples and online resources – Visit the website to see what is available near you.
• The Find a Therapist Directory can help you find a counsellor for relationship counselling. Visit the Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia website to start your search.

Intimacy plays an important role in your relationship, and it can be a very rewarding experience. Having intimacy with your partner means you have someone you can trust and share your hopes, values, and goals with as you support each other.

Call for what matters most. MensLine Australia has professional counsellors available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, providing support for all relationship issues. Our service is free.

Call us on 1300 78 99 78 or click the button on the right for online counselling.

If it is an emergency, call 000.